“I will walk with you through your grief.”
– Dr Erika L. Epps
To heal you have to feel
As we live this life, everyone will experience grief and loss along life’s journey. Grief can feel like a hodge podge of emotions like sadness, guilt, anger, denial to name a few, which can be overwhelming and at times even paralyzing. Grief coaching provides emotional support in a nonjudgmental safe space to process one’s grief. Moreover, to help individuals understand grief does not have a set timeframe; there is no right or wrong way to grieve, and in order to heal; you have to feel. You cannot heal what you are unwilling to feel. Additionally during grief coaching individuals will learn about the different types of grief, the six stages of loss and grief, the six things someone’s grieving needs to experience, and healthy ways to self-care. More importantly, you will have your grief witnessed and freedom to dialogue, reflect, and release your feelings.
“In the end, as we as human beings mourn, we must discover meaning to go on living our tomorrows.”
– Alan D. Wolfelt, 2005
Types of Grief
- DELAYED: Grief that we don’t feel in the moment because it’s not safe or we’re in survival mode.
- DISENFRANCHISED: Any grief we judge or minimize.
- COMPLICATED: When painful emotions of loss don’t improve with time and are so severe that you have trouble resuming and or creating your life.
- AMBIGUOUS: Grief that’s hard to see.
- INCONCLUSIVE: There is no body to grieve. There is hope. It breeds conspiracy theories
- COLLECTIVE AND PUBLIC: When we grieve as a group an event or public figure.
- MASKED: Grief that is presenting in another way and the resulting feeling is actually a response to grief.
- ANTICIPATORY: The grief that comes before death.
- CUMULATIVE: When someone experiences multiple losses during a short period and or unattended grief that builds up.
- SECONDARY LOSS: The other losses that accompany grief in addition to the primary emotional response.
- TRAUMATIC: Combines trauma with bereavement or grief responses.
THE 5 STAGES OF LOSS AND GRIEF
The stages of mourning and grief are universal and are experienced by people from all walks of life. Mourning occurs in response to an individual’s terminal illness, the loss of a close relationship, or the death of a valued being, human or animal. There are five stages of normal grief that Elisabeth Kübler-Ross first proposed in her 1969 book “On Death and Dying.”
In our bereavement, we spend different lengths of time working through each step and expressing each stage with different intensity levels. The five stages do not necessarily occur in any specific order. We often move between stages before achieving a more peaceful acceptance of death. Many of us are not afforded the luxury of time required to achieve this final stage of grief.
The death of your loved one might inspire you to evaluate your feelings of mortality. A common thread of hope emerges throughout each stage: As long as there is life, there is hope. As long as there is hope, there is life.
Many people do not experience the stages in the order listed here, which is okay. The key to understanding the stages is not to feel like you must go through every one of them in precise order. Instead, it’s more helpful to look at them as guides in the grieving process – it helps you understand and put into context where you are.
All keep in mind – all people grieve differently. Some people will wear their emotions on their sleeves and be outwardly emotional. Others will experience their grief more internally and may not cry. It would be best if you tried not to judge how a person experiences their grief, as each person will experience it differently.
The 5 Stages
1. Denial and Isolation
The first reaction to learning of the terminal illness or death of a cherished loved one is to deny the reality of the situation. It is a normal reaction to rationalize overwhelming emotions. It is a defense mechanism that buffers the immediate shock. We block out the words and hide from the facts. This quick response carries us through the first wave of pain.
2. Anger
As the masking effects of denial and isolation begin to wear, reality and its pain re-emerge. We are not ready. The intense emotion is deflected from our vulnerable core, redirected, and expressed instead as anger. The anger may be aimed at inanimate objects, strangers, friends, or family. Anger may be directed at our dying, or deceased loved one. Rationally, we know the person is not to be blamed. Emotionally, however, we may resent the person for causing us pain or leaving us. We feel guilty for being angry, and this makes us angrier.
Remember, grieving is a personal process with no time limit nor one “right” way to do it. The doctor who diagnosed the illness and was unable to cure the disease might become a convenient target. Health professionals deal with death and dying every day. That does not make them immune to the suffering of their patients or to those who grieve for them.
Do not hesitate to ask your doctor to give you extra time or to explain the details of your loved one’s illness. Arrange a special appointment or ask that he telephone you at the end of his day. Ask for clear answers to your questions regarding medical diagnosis and treatment. Understand the options available to you. Take your time.
3. Bargaining
The typical reaction to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability is often a need to regain control-
If only we had sought medical attention sooner…
If only we got a second opinion from another doctor…
If only we had tried to be a better person toward them…
Secretly, we may make a deal with God or our higher power to postpone the inevitable. This is a weaker line of defense to protect us from the painful reality.
4. Depression
Two types of depression are associated with mourning. The first one is a reaction to practical implications relating to the loss. Sadness and regret predominate this type of depression. We worry about the costs and burial. We worry that, in our grief, we have spent less time with others that depend on us. This phase may be eased by simple clarification and reassurance. We may need a bit of practical cooperation and a few kind words. The second type of depression is more subtle and, in a sense, perhaps more private. It is our quiet preparation to separate and bid our loved one farewell. Sometimes all we need is a hug.
5. Acceptance
Reaching this stage of mourning is a gift not afforded to everyone. Death may be sudden and unexpected, or we may never see beyond our anger or denial. It is not necessarily a mark of bravery to resist the inevitable and deny ourselves the opportunity to make peace. This phase is marked by withdrawal and calm. This is not a period of happiness and must be distinguished from depression.
Loved ones who are terminally ill or aging appear to go through a final withdrawal period. This is by no means a suggestion that they are aware of their impending death or such. Only physical decline may be sufficient to produce a similar response. Their behavior implies that it is natural to reach a limited social interaction stage. The dignity and grace shown by our dying loved ones may well be their last gift to use.
Coping with a loss is ultimately a deeply personal and singular experience – nobody can help you go through it more easily or understand all the emotions that you’re going through. But others can be there for you and help comfort you through this process. The best thing you can do is to allow yourself to feel the grief as it comes over you. Resisting it only will prolong the natural process of healing.
You can find the original source for this information here.
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It’s never too late to start a new life journey to become a better you.
– Dr. Erika L. Epps